The moment it started working and I made €872, I disappeared
A story on the patterns that keep us smaller than we truly are
I threw myself out there and built the first Experiment Journey.
Four brave women joined, not knowing exactly what to expect in this pilot. They trusted me with their growth. Afterwards one even trusted me with €695 of her money and time.
Then I disappeared.
I went offline.
No more Substack.
No more me.
I crawled into my snail shell.
And I didn’t understand why..
Until I did.
After the first Experiment Journey kicked off I already felt like I failed.
“Only” four signups. Three of whom I already knew.
Yes, the calls gave me so much energy. They made me glow with joy. But around that, I just didn’t know what to write anymore.
I felt like I was shouting into the void and nothing was landing.
So I avoided Substack.
Didn’t open it.
Didn’t even look at it.
The icon on my phone made me feel guilty every single time I saw it.
So I started avoiding my phone completely.
“One episode of Netflix to recharge” turned into five. The Great. Young Sheldon. Friends. Anything to not have to sit with the guilt of not doing the thing I actually wanted to do.
Each week that passed made it worse. More guilt, more shame, more distance from the version of me I wanted to be.
The version I had already been for a moment.
And then one day I finally asked myself the right question:
Why am I not doing what I actually want to be doing?
Turns out, I already knew the answer. I just hadn’t had the headspace to look at it full-on.
It’s called a pattern.
Patterns are behaviours that you learned along your life (mostly in childhood) that once served a purpose to keep you safe from harm. The problem is, most of them don’t help you anymore. Even worse, they often sabotage you.
Take something small: that text message you’ve left on unread for three days (yes, I know you do that 🤪). You’re avoiding it because nothing bad can happen if you don’t reply yet.
But now it lives in your head, taking up space, making everything heavier. Giving you a tiny heart attack when it pops into your mind.
The pattern to avoid it that was supposed to protect you is creating the exact discomfort you were trying to avoid.
Patterns show up everywhere. The business idea you’ve been “almost ready” to launch for two years. The conversation you keep rehearsing in your head but never have. The dream you keep postponing to next week.
Sound familiar?
We all have them. And most of us have no idea they’re running our lives.
This is my pattern that made me disappear:
Money wasn’t always abundant growing up. And somewhere along the way I learned that being more successful, more wealthy, than the people I love most could hurt them. Bring an extra burden to them. So unconsciously, I made sure I wasn’t.
Even when €872 landed in my account.
Even when it was finally working.
Even when I was finally doing something that made me happy.
The moment I realised this pattern was running my life, I didn’t fix it overnight. It’s still there, because this is not the first time it surfaces.
What I did first was sit down and write down the facts. What truly happened?
I was visible on Substack, put out messages to my network, got four (!!) applications for my first pilot, started the Experiment Journey in April. It was successful, everyone finished. One person signed up for my 1:1 coaching No More Next Week. I made €872. In the meantime I scheduled Notes for 14 days and 5 experiment posts. Three weeks of that I was on holiday. When I returned, I still didn’t write.
So I talked about it, and it opened my eyes. Named what I couldn’t admit:
I was successful in my first attempt.
What I did worked. Now I just have to repeat, keep going, be vulnerable and visible. To the scary thing. Share my story, my lessons, my philosophy.
It worked.
Every time the word success comes up I now know I have to be careful. Because my pattern will creep up and keep me small, keep me less successful than my parents. But that’s not what I want.
Step by step I will overcome it. I will dust myself off sooner when I crawl back into my snail shell.
And sometimes that’s all it takes. Someone to name the pattern out loud so you can finally admit that it’s there.
And now I’m back writing this. Which feels like the bravest thing I’ve done in weeks.
If this resonated, the one thing I want you to do right now is apply for the next Experiment Journey. It is designed exactly for this, to take that first step in recognising and overcoming the patterns keeping you small.
You don’t have to figure it out alone and you don’t have to wait until next week.
About the author:
Hi, I’m Sanne 🙋🏽♀️ Writer & Experiment Coach, and to be honest, just a total nerd who built a life that is full of unconventional choices (which somehow made me the happiest I’ve ever been). I did it all on my own, struggled, doubted, cried, laughed, researched the decisions I made and I don’t want that anymore. That’s why I founded Experiments for Happy Humans, a community where we figure out together why we do what we do, and actually start taking action to change it, one experiment at a time.
Why experiments? Because we are perfectionists! And otherwise we will never start. Experiments take the edge of, there is no right or wrong. We’re just gathering information when we experiment. Afterwards, we can make the decision to pursue or abort. That’s what I love about it.
Want to figure out where to start? ❤️
If you’re stuck, overwhelmed, and keep overthinking every decision, but you really want to start changing things and have no idea where to start: book a free 30-min Reality Check with me. We’ll figure out together what your first experiment is, so you can start building the life that actually makes you happy.
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I write for women who keep overthinking and are done waiting for the perfect moment to start. Here, we experiment together! 🔥 This isn’t some newsletter, it’s a community of women figuring it out together.